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It’s Not Me… It’s You

A long, lazy weekend afforded some much needed cuddle time on the couch and a pretty solid binge of You. The second season recently came out, but I usually miss the boat on whatever the it show is at the current time (I didn’t see The Sopranos until 2012, or start watching Game of Thrones until it’s last season).

Just in case you’ve been living under a rock, like I am much of the time: You is about Joe, an attractive, charismatic, love-drunk…obsessive stalker. When the details are laid out in this way you don’t expect to have much sympathy for Joe, much less be rooting for him. However, throughout the series this is exactly what most people find themselves doing at some point. This angle was part of what drew me to the series; an overwhelming amount of reviews and articles about the series touting “Remember Joe is a bad guy!” But girls across the country swoon.

There was actual outrage when the actor portraying Joe commented that people should not like the character.


How and why have girls by and large found themselves so infatuated with the violent, obsessive, dangerous man?

A couple of episodes into the first season, it struck me. We’re all so connected at all times, but not used to someone genuinely wanting to know and connect with us at a deep level. Especially in the dating world of Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Farmers Only (whatever it is) we have become accustomed to and accept being treated and treating others as disposable. Someone’s Tinder profile often could be interchangeable with their Netflix account, swiping through the endless options until we find what looks interesting enough for the moment.

I’m not saying that people need to fall head over heels with every person they go on a date with, or that people should never casually date; but we should remember to treat each other as humans and not disposable objects.

One of the reasons this becomes problematic, and potentially even dangerous, is that we can become so used to not being valued it becomes the norm. We accept and allow ourselves to be treated like we’re interchangeable or replaceable. We confuse, idealize, or romanticize obsessive, controlling, or abusive behaviors with romance or someone genuinely being interested in or caring about us.

We’re so used to being treated like just the next thing in someone’s queue that when we see a person exhibiting all those things that should just be a given in a relationship: (bluntly) someone who wants to be with you, it makes us feel good, and makes us want that. The human need for love, acceptance, and belonging makes us excuse or ignore all that not great stuff underneath the surface

There’s not a workday that goes by without at least one patient expressing in one way or another a feeling of not being good enough, being worthy, being lovable. This feeling of inadequacy makes us accept less than what we deserve; and in a lot of scary ways makes us confuse or idealize really scary, demeaning or abusive behaviors.

So for whoever needs to hear this right now: You are enough. You deserve more. You deserve to be valued. You deserve to be appreciated. You are lovable. Relationships might not always be easy, but they should never be harmful.

That being said… as we speak I’m finishing my season 2 binge.

Unpopular opinion: I am still team Beck 😉

Spoiler alert:

***Edit*** Finished season 2:

Joe is awful : ‘ (

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